I wrote this a few weeks ago, but managed to forget to post it in those rare moments when I had internet access. I now offer it for your nostalgic consideration.
The most recent distribution of Academy Awards finally found its way to my computer. There was some good, lots of bad, whatever.
I did use the occasion, though, to prepare the speech I’ll give when I win mine. And since I’ll never need it, I’m offering it on a first come, first served basis to anyone who actually gets nominated.
I’m assuming it’s for acting. Writing, directing, or editing might require minor adjustments. It goes something like this:
Uh, wow. [Insert various other sputter-mutterings to demonstrate the impact of the moment.]
Let me give you the backstory on this [hold up little golden man]:
Thanks to you—you being everyone in the room or at home or not even listening at the moment—I had the chance to have the most fun of my life. I mean, you gave me everything I could possibly need to take this hobby I had (and found really, really fun) and see where it could go.
And just to make sure it went well, you dunked me in a pool of the greatest talent in the world [motion to the rest of the cast and crew]. I absolutely loved the whole process, and I thought it went pretty well. Then you checked it out and, apparently, agreed.
Now you’re giving me a gold statue to remember it all.
So, um, thank you.
That seems a little more gracious than my original: “Seriously? You just gave me millions of dollars to play around all day and now you’re adding a gold statue? Um, OK. Suckers.”
If I win Best Actor, I apparently get more time to talk and am allowed (though obviously not expected) to be more than a sycophant, so I might add this little riff about how it’s funny that I’m getting an award for pretending to be someone with a life worth watching and how much more gratifying it is to have a life worth watching than to just hear other people talk about having one and how I plan to take the little man home to occasionally remember that fake life while actually trying to have a worthwhile life and how awesome it would be to give gold statues to everyone we know who has a real life worth watching. I might even cave to the name-dropping peer pressure and mention some people who would deserve those statues. No one in the room would be on the list, but some of you might.
My favorite awards show speech: Hugh Laurie, 2006 Golden Globes. Before the show, he wrote the names of 172 people on pieces of paper and put them in his pocket. When he won, he got and stage and drew three random names to thank.
I’d like to do the same thing, but with trivia. Cite an obscure capital, a little-known date, and perhaps Grover Cleveland’s middle name (Grover–his first name was Stephen).
It’s probably the biggest audience you’ll ever have, so you might as well educate the masses a little, no?
Lol. Movies make a ton of money so I guess it makes sense that people in movies make a ton of money. I like your speech though. So true but can you blame them?